I am a big believer in controlling your own destiny. Knowing what you want out of life, and driving so hard, getting your way, doing what you want to do and controlling the results that you get. Basically, never taking NO for an answer. That drive – that dedication – that fearless hustle is what is going to take you to the top in whatever you are trying to accomplish.
But recently, I learned that sometimes, you need to let life happen. There are some things out of your control, and as much as you want to try to have your life go in a certain direction, life may just bitch slap you back a few steps.
When this happens, it is extremely tough to accept it, especially for a guy like myself who is so driven for results it hurts sometimes. But life showed me it was in ultimate control. And sometimes you need to let life happen.
The story I am about to share is extremely personal. I have thought long and hard about writing this, but ultimately, I hope that my pain can spark someone’s change. Hence – I write.
Life Hits Hard
In August of 2013, 4 days before my 29th birthday, I arrived home from work, like any other normal day. My wife and I sat down to enjoy our dinner like we always do. Starving and exhausted from the day, I was looking forward to enjoying the meal. Right before I was about to take a bite, my wife jumped up and said “ill be right back” and ran downstairs. I set my fork by down, a little pissed off honestly, and waited her to return. She sat down and told me my birthday present came early and set a bag on the table. Still starving, I asked if I can open if after dinner, she said OK a little dejected and sat back down, only to pop right back up and say “No open it now”. Setting my fork down, now even a little more pissed off, I opened the gift, thinking it is only my 29th birthday – what could be so special I have to open now – did she get me a live animal or something? Opened up the card, which revealed something that made my heart skip a beat:
2 positive pregnancy test.
My wife and I were successful the first month we got serious about having kids and I was more than excited. I believe I jumped, kissed, cried, jumped more, and there may have been a little bit of a happy dance thrown in there. Once my excitement wore down, I apologized to my wife for being such an asshole. We were more than excited for our future.
After waiting what seemed like an eternity, we finally hit 8 weeks along and ready to take a peek of our beautiful little baby. I took the day off of work and my excitement was more than anything I have ever felt. Like a giddy kid on christmas. We went in to the room, my wife had some blood work done, an exam and we waited for the doctor to do the sonogram. As we got started with the sonogram, I was staring at the TV monitor, on the edge of my seat, waiting to see my beautiful little peanut which was suppose to be safe and warm and growing like a weed. I waited, and waited and waited – nothing. There was something there, but it was not a 8 week old beautiful little baby with a strong heart beat. The next words I heard, I will never get out of my head. “I am so sorry guys but I think you had a missed miscarriage”. Our pregnancy miscarried at 6 weeks. My heart sank to such a low that I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so down.
My wife – who is the strongest person I have ever met and this only established that fact further – laid there stunned. Doctor left and I ask my wife if she is OK – she said she is fine. We signed out and walked out down the hall and I had another moment I will never get out of my head. I put my arm around my wife to hold her and she looked up and had tears welling up in her eyes. We got home, had some lunch and my wife went to go meet a friend for a walk. I walked down stairs to my office, put my headphones and the song “don’t worry child” by swedish house mafia was on. It happen to be at the part that shouts:
My father said,
Don’t you worry, don’t you worry, child.
See heaven’s got a plan for you.
I put my hands in my face and completely lost it while that song was playing. I never got the chance to tell my baby it is going to be OK. Never had the chance to tell it not to worry. Never had the chance to protect it. Never had the chance…
Over the next few weeks, my wife and I went through a roller coaster of emotions. We both we in a very bad mindset, and we felt it triggered other things in our life.
This wasn’t suppose to happen to us. Why did we get the miscarriage? There are dead beats and crack addicts that have beautiful babies. We waited for the best time to get pregnant, making sure we could give a baby the best life possible. We planned, we executed our plan to our the fullest extent – even getting pregnant our very first month trying. And WE were the ones to lose it? WE were the ones who had to fight back tears every single time we talk about it. WE had to be the ones who had to go tell our future grandparents that they actually are not having their first grandchild like we told them. WHY US??
This took a mental toll on me. My mind wasn’t where it usually is. I have executed my plan of my life in such perfection, I couldn’t come to grips with the fact that this isn’t in my plan and felt like my world was dropping around me.
It also took a heavy toll on my wife. My wife is not a que sera sera (what will be will be) type of person. She goes through life making sure that every thing happens exactly within her control (one of the many reasons I love her). And there was absolutely NOTHING she could do about this. No test to predict it. No other measures she could have taken. She doesn’t drink alcohol. Doesn’t smoke. Doesn’t even drink caffeine. She is healthy. She took the right pre natal vitamins. And she was the one who had a miscarriage. I couldn’t even imagine that type of guilt that she had to try to deal with – and believe me – we dealt with the grief and the guilt.
As time went on, like everything else in life, the pain subsided and we got stronger. After many nights of talking, crying and deep conversation, we both realized that it was out of our control as much as we hated to admit that. There was NOTHING we could do. Nothing. And that still bugs us, but we have to accept that.
In life – do all you can. Be relentless about what you want, and don’t ever let anyone tell you that you CAN’T have something or CAN’T do something or you CAN’T be something. You can do anything with enough dedication, hustle and fearlessness. But know that there are still some factors that you cannot control.
Let it happen. Just let it be.
So many people (my wife and I included) want to control every single aspect of life. You can’t control everything. The only thing you can really control is what YOU do. How hard YOU work. and the preperation and thought that YOU give something. You can do everything in the world possible to do something the right way or the way according to your plan, and life may still find a way to shove you down and say “NO – NOT THIS TIME SORRY”.
Let it happen
Let life come and make it what it will of you. Yes – bad things will happen. Be sad & disappointed when they do. But only long enough to feel that human emotion. Then get up and push forward. And push and push and push until you get what you want. Life WILL get better. It may not be now. It may not be tomorrow. And it may actually get worse before it gets better. But know that whatever happens, you are strong enough to over come.
Thank you for letting me share this store with you. The miscarriage was one of the hardest things I ever went through, and I have been though some tough stuff. This experience tops them all. And if you read this when you are at the bottom of something and get the inspiration needed to know that you can over come it and it can get better, then pouring my heart out here is worth it (writing this actually provoked all the emotions yet again – not sure if I will ever lose that).
Again – thank you for letting me share.
To your success –
P.S. I feel the need to add a note to those who land on this page searching for answers after a miscarriage. I can’t speak for women, but for the men who land here wanting something, here is my advice: hold your wife. Love her more than you ever think you can. As hard as it is for you, she had a connection with the baby that you will never experience – think how hard that is. I know people may think this isn’t right, but you need to be her rock. You need to be her strong hold. You need to make sure that life is going to be OK and that you will get by. She is looking to you for the strength to get through, give it to her. But grieve. Go out with your buddies and tell them your story. They won’t get it. They won’t understand what you are going through – but you need it. And know no matter what comes – whether you are successful on the next try or you struggle awhile longer – if you and your significant other tackle it head on hand in hand, there ain’t nothing that can shake you although life my try. Life may push you around, but get up more times that you get pushed down.